The Lotus Blooms in Mud

I have written a few posts, but I have not posted them lately. It is not only on this blog that I have been neglectful of my need for reflection, I have been having a difficult time in general with this.  I can blame my busy schedule, my high stress level, triggers from the current state of the world around me, or any other number of reasons. It doesn't truly matter why I haven't been doing it, it simply matters that I haven't been. Part of dealing with my PTSD and overcoming my Adverse Childhood Experiences is that I need to reflect. I am attempting to discover myself after a lifetime of abuse and gaslighting. Being creative and writing is a vital part of who I am, and it is one thing that I completely stopped doing for a while. It isn't that I don't want to, it's that I often feel a sense of trying to survive rather than being able to live. At the first of the year I began bullet journaling. I use my bullet journal as both a calendar and a tracker. I ha...

Post partum depression is supposed to mean you don't bond with your baby, you have thoughts of hurting your baby, or in many tragic cases you do hurt your baby, right? That's the post partum we hear about. We read shocking headlines about women drowning their babies or tales from our friends who know someone who thought about shaking their baby to death before she finally got help. We are told to try and understand these mothers. We are told that we need to raise awareness so that these mothers seek the help they need. But post partum depression is not always anger or difficulty bonding; it can look very different I learned. "There's no way I have post partum depression", I kept saying to myself. I knew that I would never hurt my baby, I loved her, I wanted her, and I never got angry with her no matter how much she cried or how tired I was. So obviously I couldn't have post partum depression. I was wrong. From the day I found out I was pregnant I worr...