Post Partum Denial

Post partum depression is supposed to mean you don't bond with your baby, you have thoughts of hurting your baby, or in many tragic cases you do hurt your baby, right? That's the post partum we hear about. We read shocking headlines about women drowning their babies or tales from our friends who know someone who thought about shaking their baby to death before she finally got help. We are told to try and understand these mothers. We are told that we need to raise awareness so that these mothers seek the help they need. But post partum depression is not always anger or difficulty bonding; it can look very different I learned.

"There's no way I have post partum depression", I kept saying to myself. I knew that I would never hurt my baby, I loved her, I wanted her, and I never got angry with her no matter how much she cried or how tired I was. So obviously I couldn't have post partum depression.

I was wrong.

From the day I found out I was pregnant I worried about the baby's health. That's what I do though, I'm a worrier. I worry about the people I love. But once I brought my sweet baby home my worry became overwhelming. Is she getting enough to eat? Is it normal for her to be so tired? What if this rash isn't just a sensitive skin reaction to her baby soap? I was certain she was dying on more than one occasion. Her pediatrician assured me that plenty of moms panic and call a lot and it was perfectly fine for me to do so. She assured me that it was ok that this was my second baby and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, it had been eleven years since I'd had a baby after all! I filled out multiple forms about if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or my baby, and those proved I didn't have post partum depression. Everything was ok, despite me feeling terrible all the time.

Then after only a few short weeks while I was sleep deprived and still healing from a difficult delivery, I ended up forced to go to the hospital because the nurse at my doctor's office thought I was going to hurt myself when I broke into tears during a panic attack in which I called and asked if my 6 week appointment could be made sooner. After finding that I had a terrible infection due to not being able to properly take care of my stitches from delivery (I was completely alone after having my baby and only found time to care for her and not myself) a counselor came and cleared me to leave the ER room, but recommended that I start counseling for other anxiety and because she said I had described an abusive relationship when I talked about my spouse (another thing I was in denial about for quite a while). Once in counseling I was diagnosed with ptsd from childhood traumas and panic disorder/anxiety. Not post partum depression. Of course not, I didn't want to hurt my baby.

Then another low point occured and I requested family services to come to my home. Certain that I was a terrible mother, failing my children completely, and that they would be so much better without me I asked a friend if she'd take my eleven year old for the summer at least and I looked up information on adoption for my baby. Not that I didn't want her, oh no, she was desperately wanted and so loved. I simply was certain, 100%, that I was being greedy if I kept her for myself because she'd be better off with a better mom and a whole family. I thought she deserved more than I could ever offer her. I wanted the best for her, nothing but the very best.

Long story short a confused lady came over, checked my house, checked my baby, watched me interact with her, and concluded that I'm a wonderful, attentive, bonded mother and my baby was healthy, happy, and seemed right on track developmentally. I started sobbing. I begged her to tell the truth. I couldn't be good enough for this wonderful child. I'm terrible. I'm a loser. There's no way I was good enough for her. She deserves better. She is so perfect. The lady calmly asks if I thought I could have post partum depression. Nope. They said I don't. She recommended that I see a different counselor, someone who specializes in infants and young children and the parental bond. I tearfully took her advice.

Sure enough, the new counselor said l had post partum depression on top of struggling to deal with an abusive spouse who walked out on my baby and ptsd from childhood trauma. She explained that we hear about the moms who can't bond with, or even hurt their babies because it's shocking and upsetting. We don't hear about the, apparently more common, ones who obsessively worry, take care of their baby but neglect themselves, or feel inadequate even though they are doing just fine. We don't hear about moms, like me, who obsess over SIDS so much that even when the baby sleeps through the night they only get a small amount of broken sleep because they keep checking that the baby is still alive, a lump in their throat and a knot in their stomach every time they check because they expect the worst. We don't hear about the good moms who are certain they are failing for no reason.

Going through this alone has been the scariest, loneliest, darkest hole I've ever been in. To have post partum depression along with trying to handle a horrendously emotional home situation has been nearly impossible most days. I'm still not sure I deserve this beautiful baby. I'm still certain I'm not good enough for her no matter how much I try. But I'm getting help: counseling, medication to try and balance out these hormones, and a lot of leaning on others for now. Post partum depression often lasts around two years I was told. Sometimes less, sometimes more. It is a long road, and a bumpy one with other emotional health issues at play as well.

But yes, post partum depression can happen to women who bond with, love, and would never hurt their baby. Hormones are powerful things. I knew I had anxiety, I accepted that I have ptsd, and eventually had enough help to recognize that I was in an abusive relationship too, but I was certain that I didn't have post partum depression and I was very wrong. You can have post partum depression and love, bond with, want, and care for your baby.

And most of all whether you feel constantly worried or constantly angry, if you have post partum depression it doesn't define you as a bad mother so don't be afraid to seek help.