Reflection and Expression


I have written a few posts, but I have not posted them lately. It is not only on this blog that I have been neglectful of my need for reflection, I have been having a difficult time in general with this.  I can blame my busy schedule, my high stress level, triggers from the current state of the world around me, or any other number of reasons. It doesn't truly matter why I haven't been doing it, it simply matters that I haven't been.

Part of dealing with my PTSD and overcoming my Adverse Childhood Experiences is that I need to reflect. I am attempting to discover myself after a lifetime of abuse and gaslighting. Being creative and writing is a vital part of who I am, and it is one thing that I completely stopped doing for a while. It isn't that I don't want to, it's that I often feel a sense of trying to survive rather than being able to live.

At the first of the year I began bullet journaling. I use my bullet journal as both a calendar and a tracker. I had begun making my own monthly, weekly, and daily calendars and to-do lists with themes and clever designs. I loved it, but I found that it took too much time. I have decided to purchase a journal with pre-made monthlies and weeklies that I can decorate if I have time.

The trackers are my most important part of my bullet journal. I track my mood daily. Blue is sad emotions, purple are anxious ones, yellow is happy, green is disgusted, and red is angry.  Luckily, I've been keeping up with this. It is shocking to me that it is nearly all blue and purple, and that green and red are very rare. I also track panic attacks and "the best of" each month. I have made pages to remember the cycle of abuse, affirmations, routines, and bucket lists.

I also have a journal with drawing and coloring pages. I love the idea of it, but I found it a difficult task to write in it often. I would be too tired or too sad to feel the motivation to work in the journal, the same with on this blog.

A good friend recently gifted me some great journals that have Zen style coloring pages along with prompts for the journaling. That was all I needed to get back to reflecting. The prompts seemed to take the pressure off so that I could reflect better. The first prompt was actually "What would you like to spend more time doing?" I was able to answer that by saying basically I'd like to be me more. More creativity, art, writing, exploring, and playing.

Reflecting is going to be a big part of becoming more me again. I'm not able to completely gave my all of my traumas and attempt to overcome them yet, but reflection add expression at even a basic level is the first step im trying to take.

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