An Easy Target
Second of all, I suppose it makes abuse and physical harm a little more illegal than it already is. Though, if the abuser decides to attack, the piece of paper held up in front of the victim offers in the way of physical protection.
Finally, in my case, it hides my current home address from the abuser. Not switching the mailing address and being very careful about what companies and individuals are given my address helps keep it a bit safer as well.
What an order of protection does not do, is offer any emotional support to overcome the abuse, eleviate the guilt of putting up with the abuse, or allow any explanation for why the abuse occurred. Most of all, an order of protection does not serve as a time machine to go back and change decisions so that I could have never entered into an abusive relationship in the first place, or help me escape the situation sooner.
An order of protection does eliminate my ability to look in my abuser's eyes and ask the burning question that I feel I need answers to, and know I will never receive answers to. That question is simply what made him target me?
I fell for every line, I ignored every gut instinct, I dismissed every plea from family, friends, and neighbors. I was an easy target, and before I can move on with my life and feel safe again I need to know why. I'm terrified of attracting more abusers in the future. I need to know exactly what made me an easy target so that I can change that if possible.
Was it my empathy? I have read that empaths attract narcissists. I did feel bad after hearing elaborately fabricated sob stories about his own childhood abuse. I made excuses for much of his abusive behavior because I felt great empathy. I fell for lies about abuse, low self esteem, depression, and even cancer that didn't exist. Did my empathy set me up as an easy target?
Was it that I was supposedly so fat and ugly that I came off as desperate? Why would he pursue someone he, as he said, could never be attracted to, in the first place? I did not pursue him, in fact I was hesitant because of his very sexist and rude "jokes". He pursued me for a long time while I made excuses before I gave in. I was far from desperate and didn't see myself as "fat and ugly" until you succeeded in convincing me that I was. Did he just target someone he thought was unattractive because he assumed that meant desperate and easy to control?
Was it because of his misogynistic view that single mothers are just easy targets? Did he assume that I was in such need of a man that he could easily sneak into our life and control it? Was he just of the many other incels who just hate single mothers and desire targeting them for abuse?
Or, are my worst fears reality? Did he target me not because of anything having to do with me, but simply because of my daughter? That was the fear of many friends and close family members. When he saw my young daughter did he immediately target her? Did I not only allow a situation in which my child was eventually abused, but actually invite a predator into my home from the beginning?
Was every single thing he ever said a lie? I knew early in the relationship that he hated me. I knew he found me unattractive. I knew he found me boring and worthless. I knew he thought I was stupid and untalented. But I truly thought he cared for my child in a paternal way. Even after she told on him I thought it was a horrible progression of the abuse and I felt terrible guilt for not stopping it. But, after a close friend mentioned the belief that he literally chose me because of my child I broke down sobbing? Did my child make me a target. And if so, does that mean that completely failed as a mother?
I'll never be able to look my abuser in the eye and ask him why he targeted me. There will never be contact between us and an order of protection ensures that. It will have to be one of the things I just never am able to figure out. Unfortunately, that makes me fear that I will forever be a target. An order of protection does nothing about the bull's eye I feel like I'm carrying around everywhere I go. I suppose that even if I had the ability and the bravery to look him in the eye and ask he would deny me an honest answer anyways.
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