Single Married Mother

While I was still with my husband I read an article about single married mothers. The article discussed two viewpoints, one about the challenges of being a mother whose husband works a lot or is in the military and the other stating that the true challenge is actually being a single mother. I remember immediately identifying as a single married mother, and feeling unashamed that it may offend some actual single mothers.

The problem is that I didn't identify as one of the women whose loving husband was overseas or who works long or strange hours. In fact I couldn't understand their point of view at all. I had become the woman whose husband was often gone 120 hours a week or more, but  both for work and also for time to enjoy his affairs. Family was not a priority. He was the priority.  When he was home we never knew whether he would be in a good mood and act as the goofy playmate that we enjoyed being around or the angry person we feared.

I kept hoping it would get better, the good times far outnumbered the bad at first and that gave me such hope for a long time as the number of the bad times grew and slowly became the new norm. When my husband walked out for good after the birth of the child he called a mistake I mourned the loss of the chance at the family I wanted, not the one I actually had.

The big difference is the way I'm viewed as an actual single mother, rather than a married one. Society often looks down on single mothers. They are pressured to both devote all their time to their children and to also enter into a serious relationship as soon as possible to provide a whole family for their children. As though even in the best situation it is possible to do both.

It also doesn't matter that being emotionally abused and cheated on leaves wounds that take time to heal. I'm supposed to prove I'm worthy by finding my next significant other as soon as possible. My husband did. Instantly. Entering back into the dating scene was no problem for him since he never saw marriage as a reason to actually leave the dating scene in the first place. No mourning period because there was nothing for him to mourn. No healing because he wasn't hurt. No time for self reflection or growth because he saw nothing wrong in his actions.

My husband also had no need to worry about the children. Just as it was my sole responsibility as a single married mother, the children are my sole responsibility as a single mom. A date for me means making time away from my children to try and meet someone, pumping since I'm nursing an infant, finding a sitter, paying a sitter, and ensuring the date is over in time to pick my children up from the sitter at a reasonable hour.

Just like he never had to worry about finding a sitter for his extra marital activities before, he has no need to worry about it now. Who's watching the kids? I'm watching the kids of course. And if I happen to have work, an appointment, or some other activity that must be child free, then of course it was, and still is, up to me to find a sitter.

How is this fair? It's not. But he also doesn't get the warmth of a baby holding his hand at night as she drifts off to sleep, the pride of watching a preteen learn how to cook meals, early morning sleepy cuddles, sloppy baby kisses, Saturday morning movies in pajamas, or spontaneous Disney sing along parties. Those were mine almost exclusively as a single married mother, and they continue to be mine as a truly single mother now.

What doesn't follow me from single married motherhood into single motherhood is many negatives. I don't have to run my plans by anyone, I don't have to sacrifice my or my children's happiness for someone else's, I don't have to deal with having my children see and hear me being put down. They get a mother who can pursue her own hobbies. They get a clear set of rules and consistent rewards and consequences. They don't walk on eggshells and neither do I. When I'm lonely at night I'm not lonely and also crying about who my husband is keeping extra special company to in another bed.

Yes, my children don't have the security of a two parent family. Some days I don't have another adult to talk to at all. I don't have anyone as invested in the children as I am to talk about hopes, fears, or to celebrate milestones and adorable or funny things with. All of the childcare and housework is mine. But to be honest it isn't all that different from before, when though I technically wasn't alone I still truly was.

I can imagine that the transition from married mother to single mother is much different than the transition from single married mother to just single mother. I desperately mourn the family I had hoped to have, but I'm learning to accept the fact that the family I had hoped for was never actually going to happen for us. Being a single mother is difficult, but it is easier in many ways than being a single married mother.