"The lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud" Buddhist proverb

I've never liked the negative attention that being a victim brings. That tilt of the head, the wrinkled forehead over sad eyes, and the half frown/half apologetic smile that people give you when they find out you've been through something traumatic. The sigh and the "are you ok?" nauseates me and even the most heartfelt "it will be alright" sounds condescending. 

Knowing that I've now become the "I know a person who..." in people's stories when tragedies are brought into a conversation is embarrassing. Having friends be afraid to vent about or share their personal issues without saying "I know it isn't as bad as your situation" is painful. Even worse is when those people who actually thrive on the drama and attention of being a victim suddenly have to one-up you every time you share a trauma you've been through.

I just personally don't feel comfortable being the center of attention for negative things. I want to be seen as strong, not weak, and a victim is weak. I have tried to accept the term survivor instead. Yet that is still a struggle, because a survivor is simply a victim who somehow got through it. Still a victim. I am a survivor though. I've been through more than I've ever admitted to another human. For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was dangling by a thin string, and nearly every day I wonder how I am finding the strength not to just let go now, but I don't. It's exhausting. 

A few years ago I saw a painting of a lotus flower with a Buddhist proverb on it. It said that the lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud. Those words have never left me. I feel as though I'm stuck in the deepest and thickest mud, and I'd love to be able to flower beautifully from it. I haven't yet though. To do so requires admitting that I was a victim, or rather a survivor since I haven't let go of that thin string yet or had it snap. The pain of admitting this is devastating. It admits weakness. I don't want to be weak.

But like the lotus flower I was brought into existence into a terrible place by no fault of my own. As I grew I continued to be placed into terrible situations unwillingly and sometimes I unknowingly placed myself there. Honestly, the older I got the more I simply made poor choices and put myself into terrible and sometimes downright dangerous situations that invited abuse and trauma. It wasn't that I wanted to be in those situations, it was that it felt like home, like what I deserved, like the only thing I could understand. I was blinded from all of the mud. I'm truly ready to try and be like to lotus and flower. I can't eradicate the mud, but I can flower from it. I'm uncertain of the possibility of flowering beautifully, but even a dull blossom is more lovely than the mound of mud from which it sprouts.

In admitting that I have been a victim and am a survivor of trauma and abuse, I am admitting weakness and having to seek help. It is difficult for me. I feel like a burden when I have to ask for help. I prefer to be the one who is able to help others. I enjoy writing, and am hoping that in pouring my heart out in this format I can actually inspire others like myself, or at least help them feel less alone. Because that's the thing about being stuck in the deepest and thickest mud; even if you know your goal is to flower beautifully from it you feel very alone while you are down in the depths and unable to see that there are other lotus flowers in the very same pond, and that all of them grew from the mud and flowered.