Finding Hope
I'm staying in a domestic abuse shelter with my two children. We abandoned most of our belongings and even our pets in order to come here. It is difficult to find hope during this time, but I'm trying.
Years of an abusive relationship that I justified as being ok because "at least he didn't really beat me" turned into even more of a nightmare when my oldest daughter began opening up about abuse to her that I was unaware of. She did so to protect her sister and because she is far braver and stronger than I could ever be.
Yes, he had a temper. Yes, he made threats. Yes, he was unpredictable and quick to anger. Yes, he was far too rough far too many times. Yes, he controlled and abused me. But, I had no clue just how bad it was for my child.
He isolated me from my friends, he controlled all of the money, he verbally beat me down and gaslighted, he scared me with threats of greater violence, and he was sexually aggressive and violent and consent is not a word he believed in, he nearly killed me once with his hands around my neck. But, I made excuses, and I felt sorry for him for too long, and I felt obligated to be there for him despite him never being there for me except to inflict pain. But I would have left, immediately, if I had realized the signs of abuse to my child.
It was in third grade when my daughter suddenly started wetting the bed, refusing to wipe, sleeping with me, and having panic attacks. It was blamed on generalized anxiety, a bad teacher, and a school bully. She became so sensitive about my husband. She said we should leave him because he was mean. She stopped wanting to talk to him on the phone when he called. She became distant and often rude to him. But, I made excuses for him. Telling her he had trouble with his temper but he wouldn't hurt her. I had no clue.
We have been separated since the birth of her sister, almost two years ago. And we were basically separated during the pregnancy. However, he still maintained control with threats, controlling the money, and bouncing between being angry and scary to being suddenly nice, to saying he was depressed and suicidal, and then back to angry with seemingly no rhyme or reason. I attempted to make my daughter see him after we separated, but once he threatened to harm my children I stopped, and she started healing and acting better. Until he decided to pop in our lives again.
My daughter has been adamant that he cannot be alone with her baby sister and especially that he cannot change her diaper or bathe her. She's so protective of her sister. I should have known. The guilt not knowing just what he had done to her is crippling. As a child sexual abuse survivor how could I not see my own child's abuse?
Never again. I've been trying to heal and help my child heal for two years, yet I still was too afraid to fully end some of the control he maintained on our lives despite not physically being in it at all.
It all started when harassment and threats caused me to finally take my phone off his plan. No more of him controlling that and me owing him money for it. That made him snap and he purchased a tablet that he demanded stays charged and with us. That broke my daughter. She refused to let it in the house, saying it was proof of what she had been saying all along he was tracking us. I began moving in with a friend that day, because with her panic attack and history of cutting when triggered by him scared me for her safety. Plus she was right, he was tracking us.
Two days after we returned to feed the pets and pack some stuff and she panicked about being in the house so bad that I thought I was going to have to call 911 to get her help. I instead got ahold of a social worker who had been helping us and that's when my daughter told her what he had done. Not only was she frightened of his temper and his threats and was aware of his abuse to me, but he horribly abused her and she was terrified.
That was it. I failed her by not realizing it had happened, but I refused to let her think I failed her knowingly. We left that night to go straight to a shelter where contact is not allowed and there is security and cameras. We took nothing with.
And that was it. Either rock bottom or finally coming up from it. I'm still not sure which it was. The people at the shelter they to help victims find hope. I am trying still. I know we are so much better than just a short time ago, still fearing our abuser's rule and letting him have some powers over us that he didn't deserve. And we are unimaginably better than when he was physically in our lives.
My daughter slept with me like she usually does the first few days, then she went to her own bed in the room, first by using the top bunk above me, then to the bed across the room. This child hasn't slept alone since 3rd grade, when she started the abuse began. Though it's the same room, it's a different bed, and that is a huge step that I am proud of and it shows she is healing. Maybe that alone proves that I should keep up the hope.
The lotus blooms in mud but I wanted my children to bloom from crystal clear water. I wanted to protect them from feeling as broken as I do. I feel more than ever that I have failed. But at least I know they will blossom and bloom. I'm going to work tirelessly to ensure that they find hope and grow.
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