Used Chewing Gum
My health teacher was an older, bitter, grouch. She was a strict, old-school teacher who liked to yell as a first resort for any behaviors she disapproved of. I remember nobody liking her much. She hadn't told us what our new unit was going to be when she stood in front of the class and dramatically opened a pack of gum. Wonderful, glorious, forbidden gum, the thing that you had to sneak in school and if you had a pack you suddenly became the center of attention in between bells with people you didn't even think knew your name begging for a piece. Middle school was often simple like that. She popped a stick of gum in her mouth and began loudly open-mouthed chewing before asking "Oh, would any of you like a piece of gum?" Of course all hands shot up.
Now, many people (I suspect many in their 30's and 40's at least) already know where this type of lesson was going. But, though I was generally more mature than most kids my age, I was still pretty naive as a preteen student and my young mind made no connection to what was about to happen or I would have walked out and saved myself some self-esteem destroying trauma.
That teacher popped the chewed gum out of her mouth and literally walked up and down our aisles of desks offering each and every last one of us the piece of gum that she had been chewing on. Despite one kid who I assume thought it would be funny to get attention by saying yes, just to squeal "ewwww" as she tried to hand it to him, every student of course declined with looks of disgust on their face at the mere thought of it.
Of course, my preteen mind still made no connection to the lesson that was to come. We then had a confusing discussion about why nobody wanted a piece of chewed gum, what type of people might accept a piece of chewed gum, and what we thought about someone who would accept a piece of chewed gum. Needless to say nothing positive could be said about anybody who would want chewed gum, that's nasty right? Then the lesson connection was made, and it slapped me in the face.
If you had sex before marriage, you were chewed gum of course. Nobody would want you once you did that. If you did find someone who wanted you they would be the nasty type of person who would take chewed gum. It was laid down for us very bluntly. I wonder if she noticed at all that she was destroying me, and statistically a good number of other students (specifically one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys), with her cold-hearted lesson on abstinence.
Instantly, I became chewed gum. I had been molested and eventually raped by a neighbor at age 5, 6, and 7. This only ended because we moved to a different state. Then I also had a perverted uncle. Not only was I chewed up gum, but I had been chewed early on by dirty, old men. What type of person would want gum who had been chewed up by dirty, old men?
The lesson was supposed to be about abstinence and the benefits of saving oneself for marriage before having sex. But for me it was a lesson about how dirty and unwanted my body was. It was a lesson that clearly stated to me that nobody decent would ever want me, just like nobody decent would ever want that dirty, chewed piece of gum.
What I did not realize until adulthood was how that lesson influenced many decisions I made in my relationships, from my early ones to my current refusal to enter in one at all now. Even talking to old school friends they will bring up "why did you always reject the good boys and date the bad boys?" I did. I dont even think it was an unconscious decision, though I didn't know why I kept doing it. In early high school I actively rejected the sweet, farm boy who was a good student like me and dated the gang affiliated drug dealer as my first real relationship. I broke up with the nice guy who had strong family values after a few months and stayed with the high school dropout who was an on again off again methamphetamine addict for years. I gave the man who beat me "second" chances until someone else called the cops on him for pounding on me in our apartment stairwell but I broke up with the respectful, hard worker who treated me like a princess after his first raised voice once. Then I continued to date and eventually marry a misogynist who raped me for the first time on our very first date.
No, that middle school teacher and that horrid lesson did not force me to make these terrible decisions. However, the damage it did to an already broken child was life-changing. I still feel like used gum most days. I still fight the idea that I should actively avoid decent men, although now I mostly refuse to date for my children's safety because I don't yet trust myself to not accept another abuser like my husband.
It took learning that my own daughter had been abused by my husband to wake me up. The guilt of knowing I inadvertently put my beloved child in a situation where someone could hurt her by allowing myself to be abused is indescribable. Knowing that I can't fully help her heal because it reopens my own childhood wounds is excruciating. But seeing her get help through counselors and social workers is forcing me to fully face and deal with my childhood abuse in order to show her that she can deal with hers. She is not chewed gum, so I know I need to stop thinking of myself as such.
Ultimately is abstinence an important idea to teach? I think it depends. Yes, it is the only 100% way to avoid sexual transmitted diseases and pregnancy. But then again the only time I was exposed to an STD was while I was married, because my husband not only abused, but cheated as well. And marriage is no longer a universal idea. Many people chose not to marry for a multitude of reasons, and as long as everything is safe, sane, and consensual I believe adults should feel empowered to make their own relationship decisions without pressure. More importantly we need to be teaching consent, body autonomy, self love instead of shame, and stressing that it doesn't matter how many times you have had sexual interactions of any kind before you can ALWAYS withdraw consent for any reason. We need to teach different ways to show love and affection, we need to include LGBTQ issues, we need to discuss birth control and sexual safety issues, and we need to talk openly about abuse, grooming, molestation, and rape.
Working in a middle school now I can see great improvements from my own sex education and in my state (Illinois) we have Erin's Law where starting in Kindergarten there are discussions on "good touch, bad touch" and reporting abuse. We still have a long way to go though.
No person should ever feel like a piece of chewed gum. Nobody should actively avoid positive relationships because they feel they may not deserve them, and nobody should put up with abuse because they think there is nothing better out there for them. It has taken half my life to finally understand this and start to properly deal with 30 year old traumas along with the many newer ones I've racked up while attempting to bury and ignore them. Enough became enough with the realization that my daughter might follow in my footsteps if she were to be made to feel as though she were chewed gum as well.
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