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Fleeing an abuser does not come with neatly packed boxes, it comes with a few random items thrown together in garbage bags and boxes by brave friends.
We couldn't safely return after we left, so friends went to the house for us to attempt to rescue the pets for us and to grab any of our things that they could. They found the house and many of our things had already been destroyed by him before they could get there.
They gathered some clothes in garbage bags, managed to grab a few knick knacks and pictures, some books and movies, and the toys in a short amount of time. We pretty much lost everything we owned. Electronics gone. Furniture gone. Most of our clothes gone. Toys gone. My daughter's American Girl collection gone. My grandparent's things mostly gone. Baby items gone.
But that's ok. Because we are safe now. At least that's what I repeat to myself whenever I am sad about everything I had before I made the mistake of letting an abuser into our lives.
When I met the abuser he had a laptop, a tv, a ton of porn, some comics, and a mattress on the floor. I had a fully furnished and decorated two bedroom townhome with shelves full of books and movies and a lot of toys and games. He carefully ensured that now he has everything and we now are the ones who have a mattress on the floor.
Luckily our friends wanted to take care of us and helped replace things he took like a tv so we can watch movies and a small kitchen table and chairs. Still, it hurts that he was able to abuse and molest, control and terrorize us, and then take everything we had. Even the ine out of the three cars that I was supposed to be able to keep I have no access to because he has the keys and the title.
But, we are safe and things are things.
I've almost gotten over the things we lost. The problem comes when we try to either decorate our new home or unpack more of the random boxes and garbage bags that our friends helped rescue from him.
Everything was going well with unpacking until I found some pictures tossed in a box. Old, irreplaceable pictures from my grandparents. The abuser had went through and ripped most of them up during his rampage where he destroyed things in the house. I bawled for hours. The friend who grabbed them had hoped some were salvageable, she said. And a few were. But most were garbage after what the abuser had done to them. Same thing occurred later with some of my most beloved books. He destroyed them. I'm afraid of what I'm going to find destroyed in the next box or bag. Losing things we loved is difficult, but seeing them destroyed is something even worse.
My teenager is more afraid of us having to run again for our safety. I tell her that I am certain he won't do anything. I tell her I am certain he is too afraid of getting caught to hurt any if us again. I can't tell her the truth. I can't tell her that every single noise at night waked me in a panic that he has in fact found us and is breaking in to follow through with his threats. I cannot let her know that part of me wants to stay packed and ready to run too.
We talked about it for a while. She misses the time before the abuser came into our lives. She misses the crafting and decorating for holidays. I miss it too. By being too scared to decorate and unpack fully we are letting the abuser continue to abuse us from afar. My counselor says there is no timeline and no rush. Either do a small amount here and there and don't worry about how long it takes or just take a day or two and get it all done and take another day or two to rest and recover from the anxiety of it all, especially if we find more things that he had destroyed. I'm not sure which is going to be best, but we are going to do it in the upcoming month. It will be a terrifying step to reclaiming our lives that the abuser took so long to try and erase.
Here's to the terrifying idea of being brave. Here's to trying to make this house more of a home. Here's to all the missing things and the broken things that are going to be discovered as we brave our way through the boxes and bags our friends grabbed for us. Here's to remembering that even though he thinks he hurt us by stealing and destroying so many of our things, they really are just things and we'll be ok. October is the month I think. Here's to no more boxes and blank walls soon.
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